| | 11014 | | i love you so much that i was willing to forget that you lied. i have my pick and i picked you. and you lied again. i realize now its not that im not good enough, its that YOU arent good enough. | | | | | 11013 | | today is the closest i've ever been to killing myself..... i've thought it out for years, and chastised anyone thats thought or tried to do it. but now, it seems almost right | | | | | 11012 | | The hardest part about quiting smoking is that you can't smoke anymore. It sounds stupid but in those brief moments of that you have conviction you tell yourself that you're going to quit, totally. But then you realize that means you can't smoke when you're drunk and just want one cigarette after three weeks clean that you know won't mean shit in the long run. Oh, fuck, I was never a hard smoker, maybe one pack a month, but shit it is so hard to completely stop smoking. | | | | | 11011 | | Well, drinking alone again. Could do worse I guess. | | | | | 11010 | | When I was ages 6-8 my older brother, whom was 14-16 at the time, molested me.
I am now a 14 year old teenage girl. He is 22 and he's living with us again. My mother knew but never did anything about it, even when I told her what was going on. It happened in the same room as my other brother (who's 16 now) and he never did anything about it. He looks at me like he wants to have sex with me. I worry sometimes that he will rape me again. Because of him I missed out on my first kiss, and he stole my virginity from me and now my family acts as if I'm at fault of it. Sorry for the language, but fuck them. I will NOT blame myself for something some asshole made me do when I was too innocent to know any better. He's in his room in my house right now. Sometimes I wish he would die so that I wouldn't have to worry anymore. I am trying to forgive, but it's so difficult. I'm still mad at him for not feeling the smallest bit of guilt. I'm still mad at my family for knowing and acting like it was normal. I'm still mad at the school nurse that I went to everyday in kindergarten, the woman that I treated like my mother, because I told her and I showed her the bruises and the blood and the scars, and she did nothing. My father is an abusive alcoholic pedophile, so of course he didn't give a damn either. But I honestly can't remember that much of my childhood. A friend's older sister who happens to be a psychologist says that I had blackouts, which is what happened. My childhood was so stressful that I would be some place, and my mother would be getting beaten up by my father or something, and the next thing I knew it would be bedtime. Like 1/2 of my day had just dissapeared. Then my brother would tell me to go to his room(that he shared with my other brother) to "tell me a story". Or I would be in school in class and the next thing I knew I would be in the nurses office, showing her the bruises that I got from the molestation and the beatings by my father. Yeah, my father was a pedophile. Apparently he had "Told stories" to my older 1/2 sister (whom won't talk to me and I've only seen her 5 times since I was 4) And he had also "told stories" to 5 of his family members. My aunts, my cousins,etc.. And those were only the ones that we knew for sure. I can't remember whether or not my father molested me. I lived with him only ages 0-7 so hopefully not. But I couldn't unearth the painful memories of Jordan's(my brother) molesting me until I was around 10. I had,and have, night terrors. And I sleepwalk. Eventually I started getting random flashbacks of the horrible events. I know know why I have the sleeping problems, why I'm soooo ticklish all over. Why I can't stand people touching me on my shoulders.
But oddly enough I'm not afraid of sex. Like a lot of molested kids, I am fascinated with it. The main reason that I let myself be so intrigued by it is that I realize that I am afraid of sex with boys. Just the thought used to bring shivers down my spine. Now i'm not so freaked out by the idea.. I know I am not a lesbian because I've just never really been attracted to other girls. Which is kind of weird because I'm fine with the idea of having sex with a girl. I just don't want to be afraid of it bc I hope to be able to have a good romantic, intimate relationship with a boy. I don't want to cage myself in and never enjoy being vulnerable with someone.
I've STILL never told anyone well, except for the people I mentioned before. I tried to tell people, and when they asked me if I was serious I would just be like "Oh NO haha just kidding! or course not!" ANd inside I would wish that they would see through my rouse...
i treat him very well.i dont know why though. i dont want to but my head is so fucked up.
I can't cry anymore. sometimes i try but i cant. i just cant.
i worry when i go to the doctor and he looks down there that hell know and say something. not that he would.
he spanks me often. i tell him fucking stop spanking me but he stil does every now and then.
I get stress-headaches every day.
I envy the girls that complain about being a virgin and still not getting their first kiss.
This sounds wierd, but I wish i had a hymen.
I feel helpless.
I feel alone.
I do not want to do that to anyone, ever!
Even if i told someone, it wouldn't do anything. i have no proof. he would still be able to do it to someone else. i wonder if he would. would he?? yeah probably.
he will never babysit my kids.
i hope he will never have kids.
I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I forgive him.
not for him.
I forgive him for me and my peace.
I need to.
I cant be one of those people who lose, altered forever.
I am taking control
i hate him
i hate him
i hate him.
I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!
I HATE THEM!!!!!!!!!
but i will forgive them because I LOVE ME.
And i will keep praying that God will bless me with a friend that I can tell, someone that will care, comfort me.
But it was not my choice so i hereby reclaim my virginity, and my first kiss.
fuck you, keep playing your studidass music and dont give a damn about other people.
fuck you "family". thanks A LOT for all the help.
I would try to tell my mother again but she had bipolar disorder.
shes rarely in good moods.
shes tried to kill herself in front of me numerous times.
i try to love her
she doesn't act like my mother.
of anyone that i told when i was little she should understand. she was raped.
and tyler. i resent you for never being my brother. even now.
im sorry ashley, i love you even though i dont know you. i share your pain.
to my father:....... screw you asshole. im not sory i didn't talk to you when you called on fathers day.
and to all and everyone else that broke me: nice try but i am a tough bitch.
I FORGIVE ALL OF YOU. for me, not you.
I hereby SET MYSELF FREE and give myself full permission to start anew.
I hope that someone reading this will get something out of it.
if you are/were molested/raped:I am sooo sorry. i truly am. And I pray for you every night.(I seriously do pray for you every night.seriously,i promise) the advise i have is to forgive them. It doesn't matter whether or not they want to be forgiven,or even whether or not they deserve to be forgiven. Of all the things i have learned in my short life it is that forgiveness sets the forgiver free, the offender lives with the guilt and regret forever. Free yourself. its the only way to move on and let go of what those sex-offender-pricks did to you.
Oh but if you are presently being molested then you HAVE TO STOP IT AND TELL SOMEONE. dont worry about the impact your telling about it will have on others. The only person you live your life for is you. I would rather be killed then have someone be molested or raped. Just do it. I know it won't be easy. I will pray for you.
I'm sorry i dont have any better advise. i mean im only 14.
do not molest someone. if you are a sex offender: i don't know what to say to you.......... please stop............................(?)
Ok if you read this far into this then thank you very much.
Love all, trust a few. (great advise!!!)(not sure if it goes with this though..)
Proverbs 31:25-- "She is clothed in strength and dignity; she will laugh at the days to come"
^it helps me sometimes, as a kind of thing to live by.
If you don't believe in God, then idk how to convince you except that how else would I have been able to heal from that?????
GOd is my father, Jesus is my family. I don't need any more than that.
thank you for letting me reveal one of my secrets to you. I feel released.
(no not in a dirty way)
GOD BLESS YOU!! I LOVE YOU!!!
| | | | | 11009 | | I was molested. | | | | | 11008 | | I often stop to think about how I'm spending my life as I'm doing it. Spending five minutes of all the life I'll ever have watching this video. Three minutes listening to that song for the fourteenth time. Wasting that twenty minutes sitting in the parking lot waiting. These are the things that make up your life. | | | | | 11007 | | So I was just walking back from the fucking bar and shit/puked myself a little. I love/hate alcohol. | | | | | 11006 | | If i didnt have any family and knew i wouldnt go to hell i would have killed myself already. not because my family is holding me up but just because i wouldnt want to hurt them. those are the only things keeping me from offing myself. woo | | | | | 11004 | | I just wasted 3 hours arguing on the internet. The thread will be gone by tomorrow. I distorted facts and came to an inch of lying, which I guess makes me a relatively ethical screaming internet monkey but is improper none the less. I'm going to try and stop doing this. This is lame. | | |
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| | \di·vulge\, v. i. 1. To make known (something private or secret) 2. Archaic. To proclaim publicly
the idea is for anyone to anonymously confess to anything. it actually feels kind of good to know that someone will read it.
this is completely confidential. no information about you or your computer is stored. in fact, we only collect the text you type, the date, and a random number.
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